“Rori, I have been dating Don for seven months. He makes me feel like the focus of his life. In fact he says he thinks of little else but me all day long. He takes me out often, pays for dates, and we have a lot of passionate cuddles.
We haven’t had sex, although there is a strong attraction between us. I told him it felt right to get to know each other first and he has respected that. I love the feeling of being with him and engaging my deep feminine side with his masculine.
I am glad we haven’t had sex just yet because I want to be sure we can have a healthy relationship first. There is something that spoils the picture for me just now.
I feel good about myself in his presence. My worries arise when he expresses his jealous nature. The other day we were talking about a musician who was coming to visit. Don looked at me sternly and commanded “Don’t you flirt with him“.
This felt like a good time to assert my boundaries.
I replied firmly “I don’t want to be told what to do and what not to do.” then I added lightly “I like to flirt with everybody.” He said “You’d better not.” I asked “Why, what will happen?” He said “You’ll find out.” I asked, “Don’t you want me to be myself?” He went quiet.
I guess time will tell if I can assert this boundary to good effect. I don’t want to feel controlled. I don’t want to feel like I can’t be myself. I don’t want to feel scrutinized or stifled.
Rori, do you feel that this would become a toxic relationship? Or can I turn his insecurities around by honoring healthy boundaries for myself?
I feel that he worships me, but grudgingly! Have you encountered that attitude in a man before? It’s like he makes sweeping statements about women (“They’re all conniving,” for example).
April – logistics are the key here…AND TALKING!!!!
Can you talk with the man you live with?
Really sit down and say – I love you beyond words…and I don’t feel loved at least as much…what should we do? I can’t continue to live with you and yet free my heart to be in a relationship with a man who loves me, what shall we do?
In other words – one of you has to start talking. Please think about it.
Yes, this is all very painful – there’s no way around that.
Letting go of of some of our dreams in order to allow other dreams to come true is painful – and yet – we each have to ask ourselves what we really want.
If we’re invested in what we certainly DON’T want – even as we hope and hope that will change – we let the days slip by with the dreams of what we DO want.
There Really Are Only 3 Ways:
1. Stay where you are and keep getting what you have (and I always recommend trying this with my TOOLS first…)
2. Dropping what you have cold, no contact, moving on with a plan
3. Both. Stay where you are logistically, and date other men seriously as well.
You’re trying to do this – but it’s challenging because your HEART and habits and mind are still in place #1.
The secret to #3 is your mental attitude.
If you can change that, you can make effective change, where #3 doesn’t seem quite so awful, or #1 changes.
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