Ask Rori

I’d love to answer your question personally, but for so many reasons (legal, technical and fairness to my clients) I can’t.

So – instead, I have my blog, where you can participate and get support with a huge community of wonderful women all working on my Tools together and sharing their situations with each other.

***Also – I do a “Love Forever” teleclass for my clients that has now turned into a “program” with new teleclasses added into the program every few months…here’s the link==>>

Love Forever Program

And if you’d like to get on my private “event” list to get  more free Love Tips, along with special teleclasses, events, bonuses – just sign up in the box on the right==>>

Here’s a question I’m often asked:

” Rori,  I’m so tired from working, driving the kids, cooking – everything – that when my husband shows even the slightest interest in sex, or even in going out – I experience it as a demand. I shut it down. He’s already coming home and pretty much ignoring me.
What should I do?”

My Answer:

Has it ever been exciting, passionate, affectionate between you? Even if you can only remember it being that way at the beginning – that’s where you start. The 5 Keys to turning the relationship you have into the relationship you want starts with choosing the partner you have. Men can only take so much lack of interest before they withdraw or go elsewhere. It’s not just about sex – you say he wants some fun time with you.

He’s entitled to have fun with you. We all need to ask ourselves what we need to say No to in order to say Yes to what’s important to us. Right now, your relationship is coming in a distant fourth or fifth after everything else on your plate. You can’t just move it on up to the top and expect yourself to suddenly feel all gooey and romantic. Women don’t work that way.

Ask yourself the big questions – Am I taking care of me, my wellbeing? What is fun for me now? How can I expand that to include my husband? If nothing’s fun – start small. Figure out what you like to do, and make sure you make time to do it – if it’s reading, quilting, playing cards. Watch out for TV – it’s a drain on you, on your relationship, and does absolutely nothing for either of you. Try going without TV in your household for a week. That means the kids, too. Get everyone figuring out what they really love to do.

While you’re taking baby steps towards rediscovering fun in what you love to do, eliminating the drain of TV, phone conversations, and errands that can be put off, take a fresh look at your husband.

Try to remember what you ever liked and appreciated about him in the beginning. Try to match those old feelings with what he does now that you can really appreciate. Spend some of your newly freed up time thinking about ways you actually, truly do appreciate him. Then tell him. Whenever you think he looks nice, has helped you in some way, has been good with the kids – tell him. Notice him being a man you respect.

The quickest way to see change in your relationship is to change your language. Are you ordering him around, putting him down, telling him what you want done all the time? Stop. Just stop. That’s right, cold turkey. Don’t even ask him do stuff.

Instead, say what you see – The dishes are such a mess, and I’m too tired to do anything about it. Sorry. Anyone want to play cards? Let him be who he is, you be who you are, and let the house turn into a pig sty if that’s what happens.

As long as you keep appreciating what you honestly can appreciate, and take care of yourself so you don’t feel resentful for overfunctioning (doing your jobs and everyone else’s too), your relationship will repair itself.