Have you ever felt like you were stuck in a hole with your relationship, and that everything you do, say and think is digging you in deeper and making you feel more scared, upset, angry and miserable?
Not only have I felt like that, so many of my clients start out like that.
In my newsletters, I “jump off” of a lot of letters from you, and I wanted to do more of that, so I asked several of my clients who work with me through email as a part of their coaching program with me if they’d be willing to let me publish all our dialogues – and Bethany said “Yes” –
– this way, you’ll be able to follow Bethany step-by-step through her progress with her man, Carl – and apply everything she’s learning – all the baby-steps and everything that comes up for her – to YOUR progress and your love life.
I’m also looking forward to your comments, and your wisdom and advice and your own story on Siren Island to use what Bethany’s learned for yourself as you BOTH get what you want!
Here’s where Bethany was when she came to me: She’d been dating Carl for about a month, and she likes him a LOT, and is feeling overwhelmed with fear that she’s going to mess it up.
She’s a wonderfully smart woman who, like so most of us, finds herself in her head most of the time – trying to solve things, figure things out, guess what her man is thinking and doing and “why” he’s doing any of that, second-guessing herself, and pretty much beating herself up about everything.
The way I work – with my private clients, in Siren School Live classes and on Siren Island is to give you “easy baby-step” homework. New Tools to practice for where you’re specifically “at” right now, that’ll give you what you need right now.
And then I hold you “accountable” for practicing by asking you to write back about how your “practice” went: what you said, the Tools you used, how it all felt, what happened.
This is how and “why” email coaching, and now Siren Island work so well and so fast.
The Rori Raye blog and forum has always worked this way, and now we’ve moved to Siren Island as a better, more accessible format for actually COACHING you. On Siren Island, there are Rori Raye coaches – coaching and Scripting you all the time!
This way, the coaches and I get you moving through specific advice, Tools, and instructions, you give us feedback, and then we keep on doing what we’re doing together!
You can get on Siren Island and let me know how your practice is going here – so we can all move forward together…and you can try-it-out for 7 full days for only $1…
Here’s Bethany’s first “check-in” letter after our first session:
“Dear Rori, I practiced the dance position beginning today right after we spoke. I kept having to remind myself of all the different steps, but as I did it, I noticed that more people LOOKED at me, as if they could feel me!
And then, the hard part: my guy Carl called me on the phone.
I felt flustered because I was in the office and the ring was loud, but I leaned back in my chair, unzippered my heart, dropped my thoughts to my pelvis, and answered with a simple “Hello?”
“He said, ‘Bethany?’ and then I just said ‘Yes’ – I got freaked and forgot to say that it felt good to hear his voice. I coughed and he said something about how he was sorry to hear I had a cough and I said “I feel frustrated that it won’t go away…but I feel like it’s maybe getting better” (Stuffing alert! I wanted to sound poised here.)
Then he said “I was wondering if you still wanted to go out of town with me on Friday, I know we’d talked about it earlier and I understand if you’ve changed your mind, but I just wanted to touch base on that.” I didn’t know what to say!
I was trying to let my pelvis come up with something – but it didn’t, so I said, “I don’t know…it would be fun” and then he said “I think so.” (*Note from Rori -Bethany and I worked on bringing all her thinking down to her pelvis, and talking from her vagina – to loosen everything up and anchor herself.)
Then I asked if I could let him know later because I wanted to make sure I had all my work done.
I don’t know what to do!! I hope I didn’t screw anything up…then he said “One advantage is that I’ll drive and so you can do some work…” I sooo want to go and have a good time but I keep thinking oh, well if I don’t go then he’ll feel rejected and lose interest in me.
Then he said, “well, I’ll let you go and get back to your work.”
I felt disappointed that he didn’t want to make plans to get together later tonight, so I just said “okay,” and we said goodbye (I feel disappointed!) I feel icky about myself and I don’t know what to do. I want to go and have a good time but all my thoughts are telling me that I’ll mess it up.
I wanted to say yes right away, but I think I wanted to seem like the kind of girl that doesn’t just say yes to going away for the weekend…there I go, stuffing! I keep doing this wrong. Bethany”
Here’s my answer:
Bethany – You are doing NOTHING WRONG!!! You are doing everything right.
Your first paragraph about people looking at you as if they could feel you was brilliant!!
Just keep that going, it’s working for you.
You did well in the phone conversation.
Okay – GO WITH HIM!
Next time he calls, say it would feel great to be with him away for the weekend, then let him put the whole thing together and pick you up – put your sexiest, cutest, best feeling clothes and stuff together and GO!
Just do your best to stay out of your head and stop judging yourself constantly – keep touching things and petting yourself and hugging yourself and talking nice to yourself…
Whenever you get in your head and anxious – just say the word FUN over and over – you’re there to have Fun – not to accomplish anything.
If you catch yourself judging yourself – just say Oh well to yourself and move to happy thoughts that are TRUE.
You have tomorrow and Friday to keep working at this – you’re a fast learner – just do the Tools and you’ll be fine!!
You aren’t screwing anything up.
He LIKES you – he may even LOVE you – just do your best to keep track of your body, your sensations, and to fall in love with everything you notice going on inside you. If you can’t speak feelings to him – write them down….
About sex: if you feel frightened of saying no – you can try “everything but (__your stopping point here__)” with allowing both of you to have as full experiences as you can up to that stopping point. Does that feel okay to you? It would be great if you could cut loose in that way. If that doesn’t feel right in the moment, then say “I’d feel more comfortable sleeping in a bed by myself…” and “..how do you think we can we set it up for that…?”
You can’t go wrong here, Love, Rori
This is an email exchange that worked powerfully for Bethany, giving her the instructions she needed when she needed it (and there were more fine points discussed up unitl she went away with Carl and had a good time, slept separately, stayed intouch with herself and spoke as clearly and feelingly to Carl as she knew how at that moment. It was great practice, and the relationship bloomed.
Once you’re on Siren Island, you can test out how getting constant support and specific, personal coaching over a private Facebook group (along with getting materials, a manual, videos, posts from me, Rori Raye coaches and the Siren Island community that answer your specific questions, Script your urgent and high stakes conversations, and help you solve your difficult situations) work for YOU, for only $29 month right now, beginning with a 7-day try-out for only $1.
See you on the Island! Love, Rori