Rori, my husband and I are just now smoothing over a really bad patch in our marriage. it’s going well…Things are going better, he’s beginning to trust that I won’t break into the anger and arguments I used to regularly create (thank you for teaching me how to get off the “Anger Train!), or that I’ll criticize nearly everything he does the way I used to.
In the morning, he kissed me, said “Happy Valentine’s Day,” and then said he hated Valentine’s Day. I didn’t know what to say, so I just said “Okay.”
Then, when he got home, late and tired, there was no card, nothing. I’d left the card I’d got him on his dresser, he saw it and said he didn’t have any time to get me a card.
It was too late to go out for dinner, so I made dinner, and then, I was so surprised, he wan’t affectionate and we didn’t have sex. Do I tell him how disappointed I feel? How do I tell him? Thank you, Lydia
Lydia, Do NOTHING!!!!!! Say nothing!
Our anger is in direct proportion to the effort we put out. And what happened here is textbook.
Valentine’s day is always a minefield.
You are still in the zone in your marriage where he’s testing you ALWAYS!!!!!! This was a test to see how cool you could be!
He said he hated the Holiday. That was him giving you the first clue to the “test.”
He pre-warned you that he wasn’t going to do anything. He gave you solid, concrete warning.
At that moment, you could have responded with many things, in many ways.
You could’ve said – “I’m going to need a card and a flower.” Or “I know myself. I know I’ll want a card. Sounds like a silly request now, and still a request.”
You didn’t say those things for many reasons:
You didn’t know what to say, or how to say it.
You were understandably flabbergasted that any man would deny you Valentine’s Day. It’s simply not DONE!!! You were literally left speechlessly. I mean, what do you say to a pre-ordained “NO”?
You also didn’t say anything because you wanted to be cool.
And this was a good choice for you at that moment! To say nothing but “OK.”
Why? Because this kind of response to a high expectation situation (Valentine’s Day is ALWAYS seen by any man as a “test”) is so high-end, high-stakes tricky – it requires skill and genuine “cool.”
It requires some ability to have words to speak, a LeanedBack position emotionally and physically, and the bravery that a bit of practice and guidance can give you.
This is what Rori Raye coaches can do for you. We give you “Scripts,” give you practice using the Scripts, make you feel way better, fast, and lead you by the hand to getting the results you want. To Choose-Your-Coach for a totally discounted month’s Siren School package – check out all the brilliant Siren School coaches here->
Now, Lydia – you have to go forward, instead of “back” by focusing on the opportunity this “test” gives you instead of focusing on your disappointment.
Men pick up on our disappointment in them very quickly. They are super sensitive to disappointing us. They start to feel guilty, then angry, then distant.
They remove themselves from their feelings and their feelings for us.
They remove themselves from us – literally. This causes coldness, withdrawing, no sex, no romance – it blocks everything.
So, not “feeding” your disappointment is crucial here (Fall In Love With It! That’s very different from feeding it by trying to stomp it down or letting the thoughts regurgitate and build in your mind…).
Now – you have to WIN the test!
You ALWAYS win when you speak and tell the truth – AND, most of the time, the truth is not what we immediately think it is, and so we need to let the truth come to the surface.
The Rori Raye Tool of Riffing will help you with that, and until you learn how to use Riffing fully, you STILL have to know what to say to a man that IS the truth! And you need to let it out and speak it to him right away, in order to stop the spiraling down of disappointment.
The first move you made here, if we’re going to look at it as a test, a game, was not a winner.
Giving him the card before he gave you anything put you at a severe disadvantage. You put out effort, so you’re pissed at his non-effort. Classic.
Giving him the card was the attempt by your subconscious to railroad him. The idea your deep brain and old patterns had was to make him feel bad if he didn’t bring anything – even though you KNEW deep down that he would bring you NOTHING!!!
This was a game and you lost the first round.
Then you made him dinner – even though you say it was your choice. To your deep mind, that was another effort without return.
The result was tension – so no sex.
Here is what you do: Recover from this, get over it, and get on with this relationship as cool as can be.
Get some help constructing a speech for when you have expectations – so you can state the rules of the test before HE does!!!!!
Like: “Honey, Valentine’s Day is coming up. I know it’s a big bunch of Hallmark sales stuff, and still, I’m a girl and feel all gooey and romantic about it. What would you like to agree on about how we deal with it? I love how we’re getting along, and I don’t want to be silly and end up with some kind of argument. what do you think we should plan?”
Same for birthdays, events, etc. YOU set the tone and state YOUR wants. Now, he knows what to do.
AND, if he doesn’t “do it as laid out” – now you need a “Scripted Speech” for that possible occurrence. (The world is littered with tatters of emotional hopes that men have scattered by missing birthdays, Valentine’s Day, all manner of celebrations. We need to be prepared to DEAL with disappointment!)
Next time you have an expectation about something – either make your wants totally clear, and have that talk beforehand, or learn how to completely LET GO of your expectations!