How To Give A Man Feedback Without Pushing Him Backwards

Are you feeling totally frustrated because, every time you try to give feedback to a man – in love or work –  he shuts down?

You know on some level he has the potential to be a good love partner, but all your attempts to help him have been falling on deaf ears?

There are reasons why he shuts down – and you can learn all about them AND what to do about them here:

On Sunday, January 17th, my husband and executive coach Jeffrey Mark Levine and I will do, for the first and perhaps only time, a Masterclass for you called “How To Talk To A Man.”

We’ll be talking from Jeffrey’s “Guidebook” for the class, and also from our own personal experiences in the 30+ years of our own marriage.  The important thing here is that you’re hearing all this from a man. A really good man, who’s also a really great executive coach.

You can ask for answers to your personal questions (even if the question is about us…) from the “chat screen” of the live video Zoom class as we go along, and then, in the last half-hour, if you like, we’ll live coach you, one-to-one (be sure to let me know if you’d like to be coached!).

Just go here to get your space and the “How To Talk To A Man” materials, and Jeffrey and I will see you on Sunday, January 17th (11-am PT, 12 noon CT, 1pm ET, early evening Europe) ->

Yelling at a man may be the extreme of “giving him feedback” – but even just gently letting him know he’s done something “wrong” is enough to make him run away from you!

Sometimes, it’s shocking to see how sensitive a man is – even though, sometimes, he feels like an emotional “bull in a china shop” – or even a “bully.”

It’s so often that very sensitivity (and, often, the sensitivity he has that attracts you to him) – that makes him also so highly defensive.

Yes, it feels good in the moment to “be straightforward” and say what you feel about whatever he’s done to disappoint you – yet, even though he may deserve it, it’s truly the most ineffective way to approach him.

Because when you accuse and blame him – even when you’re right – you trigger his defenses.

He feels that he has no option but to defend himself.

Does any of this feel familiar?

If your goal is to change his behavior in the future, you need a different approach.

And here’s the secret to solving this in a completely new way:

  • DON’T focus on “what he’s done” or “not done.”
  • Don’t focus on “what happened.”

I know this is counter-intuitive…

For every instance of him doing something you don’t like, or forgetting to do something you DO like – he’s likely to find an excuse. And this is what triggers his defenses!

Instead, address his PATTERN. 

Everyone forgets things, everyone makes “mistakes,” everyone disappoints people sometimes, everyone drops the ball sometimes…

Yet – his PATTERN of doing specific things or not doing specific things is what needs talking about.

Here’s what Jeffrey, my husband (you’ll be meeting him and working with him on our “How To Talk To A Man” Masterclass next Sunday January 17th!) says:

“…You can even acknowledge that – for instance, if it’s about his “always being late,” – you can say “we’re all late sometimes…” – yet, the problem is no longer just that he’s late, but rather that he’s developed a habit or pattern of feeling that it’s OK to be late.

THIS, then, is the problem that needs to be addressed.

And… it needs to be talked about in a conversation of mutual respect and concern.

So – how do you express that in a way he can hear you?

I suggest something like this: “Sweetheart, can we talk about something that I think is very important. I really don’t want this to turn into an argument between us, so I’m going to express this as respectfully as I can. Is this a good time?”

By beginning like this, you do a few things: You get him prepared that the conversation might be challenging, and let him know you realize it’s challenging, and so you aren’t going to be accusing him about it or trying to start a fight.

And also, by asking if this is a “good time,” you’re in essence getting his permission to open the door to the conversation now.

Once you have his OK, you continue: “I know how much you love (whatever made him late, here…),  and I think it’s very important that you have that time. And it’s also important to me that you understand how disappointed I feel when our plans get changed so unexpectedly. I really need your help in solving this. Can we talk about some solutions?”

Can you see the difference between “letting him have it” and this approach, which is built on collaboration and problem solving?

You haven’t accused him of anything. Instead, you’ve asked him to spend a moment considering your view – not in the heat of the moment, but in a more quiet, less charged moment.

And you’ve also asked HIM to help to solve it – making him part of the solution, not the problem.

Different men will react differently to this.

Some will be ready to address the concerns, some less so.

But the key is to keep the language away from accusations, and toward creating a deeper understanding.

I’ve worked with many couples that have made immediate differences in their relationship just by tweaking their conversations in these small but profound ways.

You can do this as well.

Jeffrey”

In the Masterclass, Jeffrey and I will lay out how to focus on the right problem – so you solve it once and for all.

And we’ll go into detail on how to frame these conversations in order to bring a stronger sense of closeness.

You’ll learn how to approach a man confidently about issues as they arise, instead of letting them stew. (Even in “work” situations….)

And, you’ll immediately see the power and the value of addressing all kinds of problems in this new way.

By doing it this way, you can change each problem into an opening for more love, collaboration and a romantic life that’s easy and fun.​​​​​​​

Jeffrey and I will answer all your questions, and even share with you what we’ve learned through years of wrestling with the same challenges you experience – in and out of relationships. You can put the things we’ve discovered into action in your own life pretty quickly.

​​​​​​​Hearing pretty much everything I say to you – only in Jeffrey’s “manspeak” – is going to be fun, and very interesting. Especially since Jeffrey is a coach, so he knows how to get his ideas across to you in a way you can quickly “get.”

Join Jeffrey and I for the one-time-only “How To Talk To A Man” Masterclass on Sunday, January 17th, at 10am PT, 12 noon CT, 1pm ET, Early evening Europe (and, yes – you’ll get the full video replay!) here->

I’m feeling a bit nervous about how much of my personal life and marriage you’ll get a glimpse into, yet, I trust you with that information, and know it will help you in your own life.

Love, Rori

 

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Rori Raye