Here’s a love and “work” problem I hear about all the time – it’s very, very challenging, so let’s go into it from “Frustrated’s” letter:
“Rori, This is a tough one for me because I make more than twice as much money than my boyfriend. Yes, I said boyfriend. He practically begged me to be his girlfriend about a year ago and I finally said yes. Now, he works too much and spends less time with me so I’m thinking about trying circular dating. I let him take me out on a nice date occasionally where he pays. I know it makes him feel good and I try not to feel bad about it….”
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More from “Frustrated”:
“Rori, the bigger issue is that I wonder how we will ever integrate our lives. I’m not sure I want to be married again. I have a young daughter so I have to consider her. I also have a nice house. He lives in a very small, not so nice apartment. My mortgage is 5 times his rent. Plus his utilities are included in his rent.
I often buy groceries and we make meals together. He buys a few from time to time but I keep my kitchen pretty well stocked so most of it comes from my pocket.
Is this okay? If we ever got married will he ever be able to feel like he can provide for me? I’m not even sure how comfortable I would feel paying most of the bills. I wouldn’t want to put his name on the house either since I would be continuing to pay for most of it. I sometimes wonder if he works so much to try and make up for it.
He doesn’t get paid for his extra hours though. He did earn a promotion but what he makes is still not worth the hours he puts in. I’m not sure how to tell him that what I need is his time, not his money. At the same time I’m not sure how things will work this way.
Does anyone have any advice about the money difference? Also, if I decide I don’t want to get married again, but want to keep him committed to me, should I still circular date? I’ve tried some of the other things you suggest such as not calling him as much and this has helped him to call me more like he used to.”
Here’s my answer:
We women are surviving the economy so much better than men, and we seem to have an entrepreneurial spirit that’s really amazing.
A relationship and marriage with this man would be the way it is now. You earn the money, he provides the fun, takes care of the house, does the laundry, perhaps starts a new business for himself so he doesn’t have to put in long hours at a dead-end job.
This is doable.
It’s harder to define the masculine and feminine energies when you’re the wage-earner, but it can be done. Meryl Streep and her sculptor husband have been doing it for a very long time successfully – there are many couples where the woman is a star (so many!)… The trick is in STAYING in your feminine energy 100% of the time!
In other words, you can’t make “work” and “money” into a “masculine” function for you. It won’t work.
It’ll tie you in knots, make you feel like a boy, make you “look down” at your man, and keep you from feeling satisfaction in your work success and your romantic life BOTH.
There are MANY ways a man can be masculine.
There are many things you NEED that a man can provide. Money is just one of them..
Remember Miranda in “Sex and the City” – and her boyfriend-now-husband Steve, who’s a bartender?
Miranda makes likely 10 times what Steve makes. The thing is – SHE doesn’t really care! She’s happy to pay for things and even buy him things – she LIKES her success and what she gets to do with it.
The problem is – HE doesn’t like it.
This is where it all goes bad – when a man doesn’t feel good and puffed up about how he provides emotional, physical, spiritual solidity for you.
If it’s not enough for you to be constantly showered with affection, good humor, smiling, and a feeling of being loved, appreciated, admired and DESIRED…then this kind of relationship won’t work for you.
If money and success in the world are your standards of masculinity – he’ll feel it.
In the example from Sex and the City, Miranda’s already a primarily masculine energy woman in terms of wanting to “control” things in the relationship and keeping her emotions under wraps – though what we see is her doing a really great job of damping that down and going with the flow. Except… (this is a show, so we need drama here…) sometimes.
Her inability to be vulnerable and open to him, to respect the masculine qualities he does have, and how those qualities benefit HER, makes her close down to him.
And it doesn’t feel right to him. He’s torn. And it looks as though the only way this could work is if they live on HIS salary – at HIS level so he doesn’t feel “less like a man.” – and
If a man holds his value in the money he makes, and then doesn’t make money – he can’t do relationship with someone who makes more money. That CAN’T work.
Miranda asks, “Am I being punished for my success?” And the answer is “NO.”
Of course, in the show – it all works out – because they can do this one thing really well: They can TALK to each other. And in real life, we can do that too – talk! Speak the truth. Things work when people tell the truth, and things work when we women tell the truth about our feelings.
In The Mastermind, you get a double-whammy of feminine power coaching, because you essentially will be getting complete business coaching – whether you’re an entrepreneur or working for someone else – PLUS, learn how to do it all – everything that needs doing – from your feminine energy.
It’s hard to even describe what that feels like…so, in the Mastermind, you’ll FEEL it. “Running” your romantic life from your feminine energy feels challenging enough – when you put high-stakes, day-to-day business pressures, decisions, projects, office politics and stresses right next to it…and then attempt to do everything by “suiting up” in your “masculine energy” – it doesn’t feel right.
Not only doesn’t it work “on the job” – it can wreck your romantic life.
If you’d like to try out the Business Siren Mastermind by joining the 7 amazing women already working through all their old “masculine” programming and learning to do EVERYTHING from feminine energy – go here: https://businesssiren.com/business-siren-mastermind/
I often talk to successful women whose “boyfriends” drive trucks, work with their hands and make very little money – and it works!!!
If he makes you feel like a girl all the time…it works!
So let THAT be your guide, and not the way it looks on paper.