Soft Love In The Kitchen

treecloudheartI was thinking about softness, and how it changes your vibe.

We’re all very smart, very clever, very defended.

We don’t want anyone to see how films about animals make us cry, or our scrap booking, or all the mistakes we made and continue to make around everything in life.

We don’t want anyone to see that we’re lonely, or frightened, or exuberant about the simplest things.

We don’t want anyone to see us being childlike and hopeful.

So we cultivate our intellect, our opinions, our thoughts on where we’ve been and where we’re going.

Today I was in the kitchen eating what I’d cooked, when my husband walked in.

I have a horrible history of burning food. There was the time several months ago when I retreated to the microwave, defeated, afraid my absent-mindedness would burn the house down (talk about repressed rage). In the last few weeks I’ve been trying the stove again – scheduling cooking time, staying put in the kitchen, turning on the timer, sharpening my attention, and not burning anything! I’m cured! I’m a cook! I’m not a menace, I can do this! And the ground turkey I cooked in the pan smelled very nice on my plate. And he says, alarm and accusation in his voice, “Did you burn something?”

“No!” I look up at him in shock.

“It smells like you burned something. Something’s burned.” and he walks into the kitchen.

“No, no!” I defend, going for the pan, picking it up to show him, feeling five years old and incompetent. “It’s just nicely brown, see?” I say forcefully, totally righteously. It’s his nose that’s wrong.

“Well, it smells like something’s burned.”

All of a sudden I get what I really feel. Yes, I’m five. I screw up my face and do big time mock crying and whining. “But I didn’t burn it!” I wail. “I didn’t….” and I go all gooey, pan in my hand, miserable. And in that second, my husband does a 180. His eyes go deep and very blue-green, he smiles so fast I’m taken aback, and he comes towards me, arms around me, “Ohhhhhhh,” he says. And that’s the end of it.

“So, how’s your day?” he skips right to his next thought, and he’s standing right up against me, and we’re connected, and I leap from five-year-old to grownup, from lump to goddess. Long ago, whenever this happened, I used to think it was because he was competitive and didn’t want me to be big.

I thought he liked me girly and the loser at chess and gin rummy. I thought he was scared of my fortitude. Now I know that’s not it at all.

He just likes me better soft. He likes me better where I am than where I wish I was. He likes me better human than mistake-proof. And by liking me better this way, he encourages me to rise to the ultimate test of any relationship: He inspires me to say that I like myself best when I’m with him.

Love, Rori

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Rori Raye


  1. Elaine on January 28, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    Thanks Rori. It all makes sense. My husband said I had become hard and needed to get rid of my sharp edges. Oh dear. Not what I wanted to hear especially as he had left me and I had to pick up the pieces and I did a great job running the business alone, finishing a building project and juggling the finances and debt. But he didn’t see the difference I saw – I felt I was strong, he saw it as hard. Men feel threatened by strong women.

  2. Aymee on February 4, 2013 at 8:40 am

    I know this situation. My ex return from a trip and in the same day told me he and his ex-wife are looking for a new house for her very close of him, better a 2 story house because the girl, about finding a new college and so on.
    I became in shock unable to say a word. Some days ahead he said is was a joke, I though he was crazy.

    I understand his objective now…too late. He became a hot/cool man for months and I broke the relationship 2 month ago. Still missing him.

  3. Rori Raye on February 4, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Elaine – it’s not about “strong” – HARD is very different from STRONG. Hard is not sharing your feelings, being cold to a man, deadening the romance through “doing” rather than “feeling” and “being.” Please try my ebook – it’ll illuminate this for you, and help you see how to be strong on the INSIDE, and soft on the OUTSIDE. Still strong, just different way to feel it and express it in a relationship. Love, Rori

  4. LoveAlways on February 4, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    I love this post! I just had to share the feeling that I understand that process you went through Rori of being soft, being real with yourself.

    You know, sometimes I feel TOO soft. TOO feminine. I love eating my own food I make because it keeps me healthy to eat home cooked food. My honey loves coming over to have dinner with me and appreciates my cooking. But sometimes it makes me feel like I’m doing, leaning forward, like I’m trying to impress him – when what I feel more is that I’m doing this for ME and I don’t mind sharing me, and the things I do for me, with him.

    What haunts me in the back of my head (yes, there I go thinking again) is that his ex stopped cooking for him as things started going down hill for them. After weeks of feeling messages, I finally helped him understand I don’t want to be compared to her or anyone else. I don’t want to hear about what she didn’t do for him. They have kids together and are fighting through a divorce. I don’t like being put in that zone – it makes me feel edgy and hard . . . I just can’t feel soft being put in that zone. I am me and do what I do. It does not feel good to be part of a comparison. He said he understood and he stopped.

    But honestly, deep down inside, I feel like I’m competing and I don’t like feeling that way – it’s an ugly habit I’m working on healing. So then, when I stay in my head, I think I’m being too soft, that I need to be a b*tch and not DO anything for him because it makes me feel like I’m competing. When in all reality, I do these things for myself and share them with him.

    And then I calm down, take some deep breaths, get into my feelings, and realize that when I am not soft I am betraying myself!!! So the answer to this ugly moment in my head and the panic and jealousy I’m feeling is that I AM SOFT and it’s okay!!! I’m being true to myself. I love to take care of myself, I love to take care of my home and I love to share.

    Then I wonder if sharing is leaning forward or doing – and I just smile to myself and say “girl, stop thinking so much and feel your way through it.” Being myself, and being soft has kept him connecting, and it’s been rough, but I feel best being soft.

    Ohhh, I guess your post kind of trigger me, lol. 🙂


  5. Rori Raye on February 5, 2013 at 8:31 am

    LoveAlways, welcome here to this site! This is my new site for my coaching practice and my upcoming Rori Raye Certified Coaches Training. On the regular blog, I’m limited in some ways because of my publishing contract. Here – I can be free to talk about whatever I want – so I appreciate you being here and look forward to what I can create here.

    As to you -you sound AWESOME to me! There’s absolutely NO way to know what a man wants or likes except by the interest he shows. If he keeps trying to get to your house and share dinner with you – then you know he likes that and craves that. If he stays away, then it’s highly possible he simply isn’t the man for you! Since he’s showing up – he LIKES it!!!! You’re not doing ANYTHING by being home and cooking for yourself and having enough food for him to eat, also. Just think of it that way!

    I would definitely show him the silverware drawer and where the napkins and glasses are and say how good it would feel to have the table set so you could enjoy just cooking. Let him have a JOB at your house! How about you talk to him in the kitchen while you’re cutting vegetables, and just hand the knife and the cutting board over to him in the middle of it while you go tend to something else in the kitchen…allow him to be INVOLVED!

    Love, Rori

  6. LoveAlways on February 12, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Thank you Rori!!! I am going to put your advice to work this week 🙂 Love it!!!

  7. Femininewoman on March 12, 2013 at 12:31 pm


  8. GlowStix on March 12, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    I love this Rori!

    I have the absent mindedness too and I get “teased” for it by my partner and then my immediate reaction is to defend myself. Then his immediate reaction is to defend himself “I’m just teasing, baby!”. And I have definitely noticed when I use an FM and allow myself to be pouty I receive, instead, a kiss, and apology, a hug and tenderness. Which feels much better.

  9. PSP on March 12, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Is this always available to any of us? Or is it just available now because we can’t get on the blog? I’m just wondering because I’ve never seen this before. I guess I’m thinking that it’s only for your “special” clients who are in your Love Forever program (I think that’s what it’s called.)

    Just curious…

  10. PSP on March 12, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    I see I’m in moderation. It’s ok if I’m not supposed to post here…I was just curious about it.

  11. Emerson on March 12, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Hi Rori! I love this story it’s so vulnerable and real…. Never been on this web page before but I like it!

  12. Rori Raye on March 12, 2013 at 4:04 pm

    PSP and ALL – This is my website I keep for my private coaching – it’s got the pages for booking sessions, for Love Forever, and it’ll house completely my new Rori Raye Coach Training! I thought it’s be a good place to work while the blog was being updated – and I think it’s operating now for most of us – so please go back and see if it’s back up! I can only give my all to one blog at a time (I don’t even do Facebook, I’m so devoted to our blog community) – so I couldn’t possibly keep both these going and really give them my all…

    But, please feel free to nose around here anytime you like – there’s not much on it now (it’s my very oldest, first site!) – and it’ll get more active as the coaching school gets off the ground.

    Love, Rori

  13. Rori Raye on March 12, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    Oh – Also – all – the signup box in the right sidebar is for my “Private list” – if you’re not already on it, and want to get more things I think up – please go ahead and sigh up…Love, Rori

  14. Francisca on January 16, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    Thankx Rori

  15. Sweet Goddess on April 11, 2014 at 12:50 am

    Hi Rori!

    I just wanted to tell you on a place I know you will definitely see this – you rock !!! Your materials changed my life and I feel so thankful to God for the day I found it ! Within 2 years of practising your work, I was meeting and dating more than 3 men at the same time and one stepped up and I am so happily married today….feels like living a dream :)))) There is intimacy, great sex, attention, affection, gifts and all the big ticket items 🙂

    It is daily work and commitment though…. I need regular reminders to stay in the feminine…since 24 years of my life I was a master of boy energy….. and whenever the fears and worries and insecurities return– which they often do…. I just tell myself— I have the power of awareness… I will turn this around…wow…I just made a mistake here..or whoa ! That was controlling of me on my husband and then I step back…it is this constant awareness of my inner world…I wonder though….How do you deal with your inner feelings when you face a moment of disconnection with your husband and you know you stepped into controlling / advising? i´d love to know !

    Well, I just feel inspired to know you are around…and nothing go terribly wrong as long as I am on my horse…cheerling for me and standing on my side 🙂

    I love you Rori ! <3

  16. Rori Raye on April 11, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    Sweet Goddess – Thank you! Love, Rori

  17. Jamee on September 16, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    I am planning to write about this in length, but I feel like the kitchen is one of the sexist rooms in the house.

    Often I am very present in the kitchen, and my lover seems to get very attracted to me there…he likes to come up behind me and start putting his arms around me or if I bend over to pick something up, he surprises me by putting his hands ……..I usually just melt at that point, just surrender to the touch with an oweeeee or ahhhh, and sometimes we have just laid down right there and then. Actually whenever my lover touches me or says something kind, sexy or flattering I just visibly melt into the moment, and sometimes after hearing Rori say this, I will say “that makes me feel like dropping my panties”. That always gets him. Nothing seems more important at the moment than the connection that is being created, so I always try to authentically go with surrendering to the moment.

    Just felt like sharing with my sisters….Jamee

  18. Alina on November 10, 2014 at 6:55 am

    Hi Rori,

    I am feeling a bit stuck… I have been on dating sites and have been practicing your feeling messages. I am having an issue where i am not too sure how i feel. after exchnaging phone #’s am always asked to send pics, – that annoys me … how can i answer that ? And it seems that no one is really interested in a relationship juts really stupid games …I dont always give my # out…but should i even do that ?

  19. Rori Raye on November 10, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    Alina – Online dating is a skill – check out my free Coach Trainees… of them are very gifted at profiles and how to handle men on dating sites…eHarmony is very serious – hardly anyone playing games there….Love, Rori