Rori, I’m curious about something. I saw this on Facebook, and wonder what you think:
“You would not be needy if your needs were being met…”
It’s easy to say stuff like that.
AND – though it’s (everything is!) partially true – this idea about “neediness,” to me, completely throws us in the wrong direction.
And that’s because feeling “needy” can often have NOTHING to do with our “needs” – because needs are a very confusing way to express what I think is truly important: your WANTS, and your DESIRES.
It’s near impossible, far as I’m concerned, to make “needs” and “wants” and “desires” co-mingle in a way that makes sense to most of us.
We believe the word “need” makes it “okay” to want something.
Where a “want” or “desire” seems selfish.
In my Toxic Men program – I solve this by talking about “Core Needs” in a specific way that’s specific to YOU – not to anyone else – and show you how to decipher it all.
It’s a thorough process.
Here, we’re just trying to “guess” what our needs are – and what happens is, it ends up making a man “wrong” and damaging a relationship.
I want to say that there are basic, Core Needs that apply to everyone – yet that seemingly obvious one isn’t true.
Some women have an intense need to be solitary and to push men and nearly anyone else away. Some women have high libidos and some don’t (I’m all about raising your libido, and creating MORE needs!).
In other words – I’d say we’re ALWAYS NEEDY!!!!!!
There are things we want and desire that we don’t have just now, and so the feeling of “need” is there!
So – let’s just simply change the tone.
Let’s not make “neediness” a “bad thing” that simply gets solved when a man “fills” those needs.
Let’s find out who YOU are what you WANT and DESIRE, and then find a man who matches up with those things relationship-wise – and let’s find a lifestyle and work that match up with OTHER Desires and Needs.
Quite often these desires and wants dovetail, overlap – and conflict! (Read the current Time Magazine article about Serena Wiliams, and the conflict of a working woman who doesn’t “have” to work, but who DESIRES to work! And how many women and men would find that WRONG? A LOT!)
I think the first step here is in beginning to discover, uncover and honor the Desires and Wants we have, and see how we can FULFILL those, rather than trying to “gauge” all of these things by the anxiety and frustration of the word “neediness,” and involving a man right off.